Dehydration. Exhaustion. Adverse reactions to prescription antibiotics. Hollywood’s code for a drug overdose is about as easy to crack as Pig Latin; you don’t need a cipher to know said celeb is just another Ot-hay Ess-may.
But here’s the thing— there’s absolutely no need to spin. People love a good train wreck, probably even more so than the uppity silver screen types who are bland enough to recycle or pedestrian enough to visit the children’s hospital.
If a celeb is in the hospital, people don’t want to be bothered unless that star’s stomach is getting pumped or if a nip and/or tuck is involved. The only note-worthy photo-op is a mug shot, and the only diet and exercise tip people care to hear about is a pill mix and bar tab. Call me when something matters.
It’s a well documented fact that the only thing people like to watch more than pretty people doing just about anything, is to watch pretty people crash and burn; but the burn doesn’t flare out, see, it just grows stronger. It’s no wonder then why the Queen Bees of the glitterati are so often found at the epicenter of public disaster.
While it’d be far too demanding and onerous a task to detail every last train wreck of note, I’ve created an amuse-bouche of sorts that is sure to tickle your palate for unruly females that, thankfully, can’t seem to learn their lesson.
Being born to a father named Hulk and a mother who looks like she was bred only to spar (which probably explains a lot), we can all agree that Brooke Hogan didn’t exactly win the genetics lottery.
Her appearance on this list isn’t so much for a train wreck lifestyle– though her family’s ongoings might have earned a spot– but rather her uncanny ability to mix jersey shore style with a derelict twist. Throw that getup on a defensive end frame with football leathered skin to match, and you’ve got one of the biggest fashion wrecks in the game.
I’d call it a train wreck, but only if we were in complete agreeance that said train is carrying asbestos and the conductor, distracted by the assless jean chaps Hogan was somehow legally allowed to sport on stage, acutely went blind causing the train to veer into a nuclear bomb. Hogan is that kind of mess. A little over-the-top? I didn’t think so either, but let’s just throw in some dead puppies for good measure and we’re set.
Long gone are the days of Marissa Cooper, so much that you’re probably wondering if Mischa Barton is still alive. Don’t worry, she definitely is. I decidedly included only living train wrecks in my list because the answer to any post-joke “too soon” follow up will always be a resounding “yes.”
I do love that Barton’s presumably self-penned Wikipedia entry has her listed as a “British and American film, television, and stage actress, and occasional fashion model.” I like to imagine a faint but audible laugh coming from the computer speakers as she typed that, Wikipedia quickly auto-correcting with modifier statements like ‘occasional’ because it felt quotations around ‘actress’ would have been too noticeable.
Barton is well known for her 2007 arrest that came about from her genius idea to get behind the wheel drunk when she: A. Didn’t have a valid license, and B. Had weed in the glove box. I’m assuming there was probably an issue at NASA that needed immediate attention and Barton was the only person to do it.
This, however, was just the start of the wheels falling off. all of Barton’s late night sippin’ and script pill rippin’ culminated with a solid stint in the psychiatric ward. She has no idea how infinitely more awesome it was to hear she was “involuntarily institutionalized” rather than “checked herself into rehab.” even if we had to miss her bloated face stumbling through the Hollywood scene for two weeks, I hope she knows that was a gift we will never forget. Thank you, Misch. Thank you.
Mary Kate Olson
I’m going to be honest with you, and if you’re a twin, you’re going to want to skip right over this part—There’s no way in hell twins are ever coming out normal. They just aren’t.
Think about it. those fetuses have to come to an agreement whether they split the resources and both suffer or whether one gets to eat and thrive, while the other takes a bigger hit. I’m not going to say Mary Kate passed up the feeding tube out of the goodness of hear heart, but I can assume Ashley got a lot more nutritional benefits one way or another. (Don’t worry, MK. People hate fat babies. you made the right decision.)
Mary Kate’s track record is just too weird to not be considered a train wreck. her obvious cocaine problem, which they tried to pass off as an eating disorder, is only to be expected of a child star. however, her Lord of the Rings drawn inspiration for fashion muse in Gollum, topped by the more recent mystifying three missed phone calls from Heath Ledger before his untimely death, build a convincing case that Sméagol Mary Kate is, and will continue to be, a train wreck on display for some time to come.
Anyone who voluntarily substitutes an X in place of part of their name is destined for a crash at some point. This dirrrty girl cleaned up her image just in time to get married, have a child, so her eventual nose-dive could incorporate drama in more lives than just hers (which, I’ll admit, is pretty considerate on her part).
Married life presumably caused Aguilera to forget how to rub anyone the right way because not even a genie in a bottle could help her doomed “Bionic” album, the resulting cancellation of the tour, and the subsequent underwhelming debut of her film “Burlesque.” like any diva worth her salt, Christina responded by unleashing Xtina back on the world. her alcohol-inflated face became a common staple on various tabloid covers and she eventually got herself arrested for public intoxication.
The jury is still out on what her co-stars on The Voice really think of her, but luckily for us she’s signed to another season so if the rumors of her dressing room being littered with wine bottles is true, we’re in for some Paula Abdul type ish pretty soon.
Head-shaving, umbrella wielding, child custody losing incident aside, the twice incarcerated pop princess has now managed to gain control by involuntarily giving it all to others. As a result, Brit-brit seems mostly back on the straight and narrow, as much as any Louisiana trailer park product could be considered to be straight or narrow.
While we’ll miss her barefoot gas stop runs, lethargic VMA wobbling efforts, and innovative child transportation methods, I think as she increasingly gains back any kind of adult responsibility, our chances of seeing the cray come back drastically go up. The moment of truth is when she no longer has to do underwear checks before leaving the house. As soon as we see she forgoes her big girl pants, we know it’s on like Donkey Kong.
If you thought MTV’s The Hills was mind-numbing, consider its resident plastic surgery addict, Heidi Montag, and quite possibly the most unsettling unwinding of sanity in reality TV history.
I attribute the disturbing nature of her figurative frontal lobotomy to the thorough documentation of the scenes of her life that that oscillated between cartoonish and horrific. her YouTube music video. filmed by husband Spencer Pratt, was one of the crowning moments of her train wreck affair in the public eye. Watching her spastically twist and jostle in the sand was like watching the last bits of self-respect escape from her body. It was that very moment that the public completely stopped feeling bad for her and decidedly started hating her.
And unlike most people on this list, she’ll never be able to undo the damage she did because the entirety of her fame-turned infamy is wrapped up in the accumulation of stunts she pulled to get to that point. T’was a fun ride while it lasted, though.
Tara Reid seamlessly demonstrated the truth behind the before and after pictures you often see on late night tv show commercials. It’s much easier and quicker to crash a good body than make a great one, so why not work backwards? She just hasn’t gotten the notice yet that she’s allowed to go back.
Reid went from being the ‘it’ girl in American Pie franchise, her final white swimsuit scene emblazoned in every teen boys mind for all eternity, to the poster girl for bad plastic surgery before she could even cash in on her fame.
Her botched boob job and playdough stomach overshadowed her raspy smoker’s voice and girl next-door charm, which left her ample time to party away her worries having chosen to concentrate on growing her liver rather than her bank account.
The good news in all of this, ladies and gentlemen, is that there is nothing– and I mean nothing– a good truckers hat can’t fix. Who needs a comeback when you have Ed Hardy on your side?
No train wreck list is complete (no matter how incomplete) without this generation’s most coveted, consistent, and classless hot mess in the one and only Ms. Lindsay Lohan.
She is everything you could have ever wanted out of a child star (short of there actually having been two of her). used by her completely unstable and fame-whoring parents, Linds took on her cash cow role with such grit and determination that she was taxed out right around the time she could finally start making calls for herself.
While you were at work, Lindsay crashed her rented Porsche into an 18-wheeler. while you were eating dinner, Lindsay was hospitalized for exhaustion and dehydration. while you were sleeping, Lindsay threw a tantrum and was kicked out of yet another club. Don’t worry; you can catch up on all of it over the paper and your morning coffee. be sure to look under the headline “Lindsay Lohan charged with felony grand theft.”
She’s the trendsetter of disaster and continues to create new tracks for her crazy train to ride free. move over Ozzy, we’ve got a new conductor in town.
The Stars Who Crash But Never Fizzle Out