Today I’m going to tell you a sorry tale. are you sitting comfortably? then I’ll begin.
Once upon a time we lived in a world free of inane celebs, where most famous people were well known for having a talent and being able to do something useful with their lives. it was a time when programmes like Y Don’t U? and Art Attack could frolic happily on the airwaves without the threat of breast implants. it was the golden era of sticky-back plastic and Grange Hill. it was a happier, more innocent time.
Then, something happened to change all that. A great monstrosity called Reality TV cast its dark shadow over the land, and plagued us with the Z-List Celebrity.
The Z-listers were propelled to fame for being orange, genuinely stupid, ill educated and horny – and nothing else. they flooded our television channels, gained control of our magazines, took over the Internet and dumbed us down.
All of a sudden people like Katie Price – who first gained notoriety for being a glamour model (i.e., doing full frontals in porn mags) – inexplicably became very famous for camping in a jungle, marrying the one-hit-wonder Peter Andre, having a couple of kids, getting divorced, getting married again, getting divorced again then designing a line of ghastly Equine-wear.
Unfortunately, huge ratings for programmes like ‘what Katie Did Next’ paved the way for scores of non-entities to get paid vast amounts of cash for reality shows and inane newspaper columns. now, sadly, we are fully acquainted with a group of glorified TV personalities who, despite their shiny surfaces are the scum of the earth.
For example…. Kerry Katona (famous for being a bankrupt, drug addled cosmetic surgery addict who can’t kick the curries), Imogen Thomas (famous for being an adulterous cow and home wrecker), Natasha Giggs (enjoyed five minutes of fame after shagging her husband’s brother), Jack Tweed (was married to Jade Goody, was arrested for rape and GBH), and Kim Kardashinan (found fame after releasing a graphic sex tape online)…
But all these pale in comparison to the latest aberration unleashed by the Reality TV Monster…
Alex Reid, who gained fame for an ill-fated, short and in-no-way-staged marriage to Katie Price. the story concerns his probably ill-fated, short and in-no-way-staged forthcoming marriage to Chantelle Houghton.
Chantelle won Celebrity Big Brother before she became a celebrity, which is all a bit ‘meta’. she got married in OK! Magazine, and then divorced after an ill-fated, short and in no-way-staged marriage to Preston, the Ordinary Boys front man and fellow CBB contestant.
It’s almost as if the narrative of the in-no-way-staged celebrity weddings and subsequent ‘painful divorces’ is being flogged to gain extra airtime. or am I just being cynical?
What is so different about this atrocious couple? they have brought an innocent child into their Reality TV lives, that’s what.
Today, articles about Alex Reid and Chantelle Houghton’s troubled engagement and imminent birth of child #1 are plastered from floor to ceiling. She’s pregnant and he’s pretending to be pregnant! He’s still cross-dressing and he might be a bit gay but we’re not going to say that outright until next week! will they stay together?! will she accept his alter-ego Roxanne? what will poor pregnant Chantelle and unborn child do next??? Watch this space for wall-to-wall OK! and Hello! Magazine coverage with live broadcasts of the caesarian section!!!!
Reality TV has wreaked its final punishment on our happy land. Celebrity Z-listers are becoming generational.
There is no happy ending to this sad story. I just feel dirty for giving these nobodies an extra modicum of publicity.