Alec Baldwin, Mel Gibson and David Hasselhoff (WENN)
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It may be the celebration of all things Dad this weekend, but it should be pointed out that not every pop is deserving of that new watch or grill.
That’s especially true here in La La Land, and, for proof, you need look no further than Madame Too-sad’s Lax Museum, where you’ll find the world’s largest collection of remarkably lifelike bad Dads.
What say we start off our tour in the ever-popular anger management wing?
Say, doesn’t that look a lot like Alec Baldwin, back when he was a few pounds heavier? He’s talking on his cellphone, likely leaving that infamous message for his daughter Ireland — the one where he had to wait for the beep before informing his then 11-year-old that she was "a rude, thoughtless little pig."
And right beside him it’s Mel Gibson, also talking on the phone and looking pretty enraged, himself. Betcha he’s being recorded by ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva, who had made claims that he had hurt their eight-month-old daughter during one of his nasty blow-ups.
How about we move on to the Hall of Rehab, where we just about trip over a drunk, shirtless David Hasselhoff sprawled on the floor of a Las Vegas hotel room attempting to consume a cheeseburger.
He’s being videotaped by his upset daughter Taylor Ann, who can be heard asking him when he’s going to stop.
A bit further down it’s Ryan O’Neal, father of the drug-addicted Griffin and Redmond (they also have prison records) and Tatum, whom he actually once made a pass at, apparently not recognizing his own daughter on the receiving line at Farrah Fawcett’s funeral.
OK, so at least things didn’t get creepier than that, unlike the case of the late John Phillips, leader of the ’60s quartet, The Mamas & the Papas.
According to daughter McKenzie, Papa John not only shot her up with drugs on more than one occasion, but she also claimed in her 2009 memoir that the two had an ongoing sexual relationship.
Which brings us to — hey, it’s Woody Allen and former stepdaughter Soon-Yi, still going strong after almost 15 years of marriage — the Dad Hall of Shame.
Holding court dead centre is Joe Jackson, the Jackson family patriarch who ruled with a notorious iron fist. it was one that was often clenched around a belt used, according to Michael, for keeping him and his brothers both in line and in tune.
Those years of physical and emotional bullying took their toll on Michael’s psyche, with Jackson confiding in friends that the initial reason for all the plastic surgery was that he would no longer resemble his father when he looked in the mirror.
Speaking of not your average Joes, there’s Joe Simpson, Jessica’s manager-dad, who in addition to meddling in her relationships, once praised her prized assets in a GQ interview, stating, "if you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she’s sexy in both. She’s got double D’s! you can’t cover those suckers up!"
Ooops — closing time so soon? Guess we’ll have to come back again to see Michael Lohan. And Tiger Woods. And Kevin Federline. And Eddie Fisher.
1)Terry O’Quinn in The Stepfather (1987)
2)Jack Nicholson in The Shining (1980)
3)Robert Duvall in The great Santini (1979)
4)Daniel Day-Lewis in There will be Blood (2007)
Michael Rechtshaffen is a Canadian entertainment writer based in Los Angeles.