The pregnancy was a suprise.  I definately wouldn’t call it an accident.  You try to keep accidents from happening but when you think neither of you can concieve you try less to prevent something that you think isn’t possible.  I started feeling “flu like” towards new Years 2010.  even called out of work because I didn’t want to get anyone else sick.  Then I started noticing the smell of things were making me queasy.  Thats when I figured I’d take a pregnancy test.  It was positive on January 3, 2011.  SUPRISE!  The actual morning sickness started the VERY NEXT DAY.  Yet another, SUPRISE!

So far to date I’ve not had not most wonderful pregnancy.  first off, my mother passed away in a house fire when I was 16.  I’m left with my dad, brother, and boyfriend to go to for advise… I have others but really those 3 are the closest to me.  My best friend isn’t a mother yet and has no pregnancy advise but she helps get my mind in the right place when I’m upset by just spending time with me 

Of course, the first 3 months I spent 75% of my time in the bathroom puking and as I was puking I’d also be peeing down my legs.  JOY OH BLISS.  we can thank childhood asthma for the weak bladder.  I’d wake up in the middle of the night, several times a night puking.  I was miserable.  thank god I have the most amazing man in my life that quite literally would wake up and hold my hair, get me water, get me food..  I’m blessed to have him, our daughter will also be very blessed to have him!

We had our first sonogram January 25, 2011.  I found my due date is MY BIRTHDAY!! August 26, 2011!!   Had my second sonogram March 25, 2011.  we weren’t able to find out the sex so we rescheduled another appointment.  From what I understand doctors dont typically make appointments JUST for gender determination so I thought my doctor was just AWESOME for doing that for me.  we found out she was a girl on April 22, 2011 at our third sonogram.  we didn’t really need a sonogram.  we already knew..

On April 29, 2011 I found our daughter has a Single Umbilical Artery and my baby had a head that was very small.  2nd percintile.  (That was the ACTUAL reason for the extra sono.  they kinda kept me in the dark).  The doctor said everything would be ok.  It’s possible they would need to take her around 36-37 weeks if my placenta starts showing problems… The head size may just be a bad scan but of course any time you find out something is wrong with your baby you FREAK OUT.  At least I do.  no one wants there to be problems with their first pregnancy.  The umbilical problem leads to more things such as down syndrome, the trisomys, cleft lips/palette, etc. It was pretty much devastating.  I FREAKED OUT.  Cried for days, worried, worried, worried, but finally concluded there was nothing I could do but be strong and take it one day at a time.  My doctor who is a wonderful man scheduled me to see a Perinatologist.

So, may 9, 2011 I had my first “specialist” appointment at Midwest Perinatal in Overland Park, KS.  Lets just say those “specialists” dont make anyone feel very special.  As I stated earlier I was pretty freaked out about the SUA and the small head and just wanted some relief from seeing this “specialist”.  The sono guy pulls my daughter up on the screen and starts observing her.  The entire time he’s sighing and just generally acting as though this was the last thing he wanted to do that day.  he notates outloud that her spine looks good, brain looks good, head size is a little small but not as abnormally small as previously documented, the legs and bones look good and for the most part all is well.  he said her heart looked good but he couldn’t see all the vessels and they would recheck that a little later.  Then he says, and I quote, “With the single umbilical artery there are higher chances for Down Syndrome and things alike… Do you want to terminate?”.  (Now I’m going to be vulgar)  WHAT THE FUCK?!  You just told me all looked well.  My Quad screen came back NEGATIVE for the Trisomies and you JUST TOLD ME she looked pretty good.  WHY WOULD YOU ASK THAT??!!   is there something else wrong?? is that why you were sighing this whole time??? It was like a slap in the face.  all that time I took calming myself down and trying to self soothe this guy makes one statement followed by a question and brings back all the fear and sadness that I swallowed the week before. I responded with.. “UM NO!” then promptly left and called my doctor.

After that incident things seem to go a little bit more smooth.  I still have to see that “specialist” (and I’m using that term lightly) once a month and my doctor once a month.  The Perinatologist does my sonograms and looks for abnormalities and checks her growth then reports back to my doctor.  My doctor of course does the usual.  Checks the blood pressure, gets my weight, check my urine,  listens to her heart, glucose test (Which I ended up having to take the 3 hour!! UGH talk about worst 4 hours of doctors office time ever spent, they failed to mention I get my blood taken hour on the hour and that you would be severely dizzy after because they pump you full of sugar and dont let you eat for 24 hours! anyways, getting off track…) 

The Perinatologist appointments don’t get any better.  Every appointment they argue with me about what my “actual due date” is because my “last period” due date is off from my “first sonogram” due date.  My doctor is going of the first sonogram because, as I am a plus size woman and my periods are way off, the sonogram is more accurate.  After we finish arguing about the due date there is more sighing.  I have also failed to mention that every single appointment I get a different ‘specialist”.  out of like 5-6 appointments now I’ve only seen one of these people twice.  (And there are only 5 specialists there)  Then after they finish talking to themselves about my daughter and looking for abnormalities they say, “Any questions”.  I have found that ANY QUESTION I ask they have the same generic response  “well so far she looks fine but we never promise anything”.  Wow, Gee, THANKS.  I leave angry. 

Now, you all are probably wondering why I keep going back to this place even though they anger me EVERY VISIT.  well, my doctor, whom I just love, trust and adore, says they are the people to see.  even with their crappy bedside manner they are good at what they do.  Seeing that I trust him I continue to use their services.

Well on my 4th visit to the Perinatologist they advise I should start getting biophysicals and non-stress tests done on the baby to ensure her lungs and heart and everything is developed for birth.  I guess its extra precaution due to her SUA.  so I set up appointments at Olathe Medical Center in Olathe, KS where I’m going to deliver to watch her breathe and monitor her movement, bloodflow in her cord and heart.  I set these up Starting July 1st and I am to be seen weekly for my daughters monitoring.

So, at that point I’m seeing Olathe Med once a week for biophysicals, seeing my doctor bi-weekly for my routine check ups, and the specialist once a month.  The doctors appointments are getting a little tedious but of course worth it for my little one.  The biophsyicals are going GREAT!  She just breathes her little lungs off and her heart is WONDERFUL and the cord blood is great!  The placenta is working just like it should and I should be GOOD TO FULL TERM!  Soon starts the weekly doctors appointments!  I’ve had literally HUNDREDS of sonogram pictures of my daughter taken at even single angle possible.  they have looked her head to toe every week at Olathe Med and once a month by the “specialists” at Overland Park Regional.  if there was a problem of any kind it would have been caught by now.  I’m SMOOTH SAILING!  I mean, besides the hips spreading, barely able to walk, pelvic bones hurt so bad I want to die, the midnight peeing, 2 am peeing, the 4 am peeing.. The barely able to fit into my car or ANY of my clothes, hormonal meltdowns, crazy moving, cleaning, nesting, getting the nursery set up… EVERYTHING IS GOOOOD!

So, the regular doctors appointments are starting to go weekly and the biophyiscals are going ok.  they are all getting to know me at the hospital by first name and I dont even have to check in anymore.  they just say, “HI HEIDI!!!” (very cheerful ladies)  “Have a seat!”  And then the registration lady comes out and gets me, arm bands me and sends me on to radiation where again, I get another cheerful welcome and swept back to the sonogram room.

August 7, 2011 I woke up that Sunday morning in the worst pain of my life.  something was WRONG!  My stomach hurt SO BAD I thought I was going to die.  It was not contractions.  I knew that.  this was up high like upper stomach.  I went to the hospital at 4 am only to find I had some kind of G.I. issue.  THANK GOD NOTHING WAS WRONG WITH MY BABY!!!!!!!!  I was so worried about her it was UNREAL!  they let me go home around 8am.  Gave me Tylenol and said go to bed!  thank god my hunny was with me the whole time.  he got right out of bed, helped me get dressed, drove me to the hosptial and stuck by tme the entire time.  through ALL OF THIS he has been the most amazingly strong man.  he has comforted me and loved me and dealt with my crying and craziness and nesting and EVERYTHING.  he is my rock and the most wonderful perfect man anyone could ask for….  this baby girl is going to have the best daddy in the history of the WORLD! 

Well, on August 12, 2011 (d day is sooo close I can taste it!! 38 weeks pregnant!!) I go to my weekly dr appointment.  he checks my cervix.  Partially effaced but not dialated.  Damn.  but it’s ok and I head off to the Biophysical.  The lady that was doing my sono was a new face.  I think I’d had her once before but not recently.  She was saying the baby wasn’t moving much, which she wasnt, she is usually just moving like crazy!  I assumed she was just sleeping and wasn’t moving because I hadn’t eaten like I usually do before these tests.  She had been moving all night long the night before as well.. And she wasn’t taking deep breaths.  At least that’s what the sono tech was saying.  She kept looking at her face and taking pictures of her face and watching her “breathe” there.  I found that odd because they ALWAYS watch her breathe through her diaphram not her mouth.  either way I was stoked because I hadn’t got to see her face a whole lot.  just a few times at the Perinatologist.  The sono lady seemed a bit concerned with her movement but then she had moved her little toes around and moved her head to a different position so she passed that biophysical by a hair. 

Well my bf and I got home from that and of course with her not moving much I go into concerned mama mode and cant keep my mind off of her not moving.  I dwelled on it for a while but then decided I’d just go take a nap and relax.  My hunny came with me and we decided to be intimate and thats when I freaked out YET AGAIN!  Blood!! through this enitre pregnancy I have not had ONE DROP of blood.  not period like blood, not after exams, nothing.  I freaked out yet again!! And called my doctor.  between her not moving, barely breathing and now BLOOD I was just beside myself…  I get my doctors nurse right away.  She said, RELAX!!!!  your cervix is effacing, he just checked you, its irritated from sex, it’s completely normal.  As long as its not dripping it’s JUST FINE.  Whewwww!!! BUT!!! The doctor wants to talk to you about your sonogram…. in all of my hysterical calls to my doctors office I have NEVER had to talk to my doctor over the phone.  It’s always been the nurses.  there must be something wrong…

My doctor gets on the phone and he tells me they found an abnormality in the sonogram and they believe my daughter has a cleft lip.  he said the pallette looks good but the radiologist is positive the lip is not completely intact.  Sigh, I cry.  After literally hundreds of pictures, 38 weeks pregnant, you are just now dropping on me that she has a cleft.  After you think all is well, you deal with the SUA, you deal with the shitty doctors, you deal with the nerves and the wonder.  I have two weeks left and I have to come to terms with the cleft lip.  I thank the doctor for his time on the phone and I hang up. I need to cope.

Now, I’m not crying because I will love my daughter less.  I’m crying because after all of this, after all this time, I’m just now finding out.  How could I be causing all these problems for my unborn child?  My cousins and friends and everyone have these perfect pregnancies.  These CRACKHEADS you see doing drugs the entire pregnancy give birth to these healthy, beautiful, perfect babies and here I am.  no drugs, no booze, no cigarettes, eating right, vitamins, hell, I barely took TYLENOL because I wanted everything to go right.  I didn’t even take prevacid for the crazy acid reflux the doctor prescribed.  I stuck with tums and eating those 100 times a day JUST SO I COULD SAY I did everything right and she’s perfect.  now, I’m going to have a wonderful bouncing baby girl and she’s going to have to have surgery on her poor little face and go through all this pain because her mama cant produce a baby with all the right features.  I’m heartbroken.  this is all my fault.  My poor poor baby.  not to mention she’s going to have to deal with rude comments from people and she’s just a newborn.  I can already see someone saying something about the “hole in her mouth/face” and I’m going to flip out.  I mean, in a big way!  That is MY baby girl and she IS perfect. 

I realize this issue is just cosmetic and is quite fixable and you cant even TELL months down the line but seriously… Why my baby?? Again, my bf has stepped up in a huge way and he is STILL crazy excited about our daughter and he still cannot wait to hold her in his arms and neither can I.. I just love her so much it hurts and it hurts me to know that something is wrong even if it is such a small thing… I cried myself to sleep in his arms the night after I found out because I just feel so terrible.  The things she’s going to have to go through… It just hurts me so badly.  And I dont want to think negatively about the way she looks… I’m afraid I’ll feel negatively about it.  I cant even look at a gash on someones knee let alone my babys lip wide open.  I’ve read forums about how mothers feel about the cleft lip when they first found out and I know this response is normal, but it makes me feel EVEN WORSE just so say it.  to write it… to write that I dont know how I’m going to feel about looking at my baby when she arrives.  I even thought about putting off her photo session with this AMAZING photographer but no way… She deserves all the same attention even with her little lip problem…

I read a few blogs on this website that made me feel good… a girl asking what she should do about her babies cleft and wether or not she should get the pictures taken… The women that posted to her were just AMAZING.  One women even went so far to write something to the effect of..   someone asked her “how would your son feel after he grows up to see all these pictures of him and his lip the way it is”  and she responded back with “how would he feel if I DIDN’T have nay pictures of him”  BRAVO!!!!  That just makes me cry.  I’m crying RIGHT NOW just thinking of that statement.  Then she posted the pictures of her baby.  he was BEAUTIFUL cleft and all.  all the women were so courageous and they posted so many pictures of their smiling happy babies with their clefts and it gave me hope that I too would have a very happy smiling BEAUTIFUL baby wide smile and all!!!   Which is what prompted me to write this journel entry.  Maybe to vent, maybe to tell my “story”, maybe to help someone else?? I dont know, maybe all of the above.    I still have 4 days until my due date.  I’ll meet my daughter in the very near future and I cannot wait to see her and hold her and kiss her and just love her…  She is going to be one spoiled little girl because I have ZERO intentions on ever doing this again.  Putting my body through so much agony and my mind through so much anguish again just doesn’t seem to be fitting to me.  Once is enough and it makes my baby that much more special to me.

Having just one child seems right for me.  I can give all of my love, attention and affection to the little girl we are affectionately calling Gabrielle “Gabby” Evangeline Myers.  Mommy loves you Gabby and you will be worth every single moment of every single day I’ve been pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!

<a href="http://community.babycenter.com/journal/mzladyluck18/3398655/my_pregnancy_has_been_toughtag:news.google.com,2005:cluster=http://community.babycenter.com/journal/mzladyluck18/3398655/my_pregnancy_has_been_toughMon, 22 Aug 2011 02:10:05 GMT 00:00″>My pregnancy has been tough